Separated At Birth: Geordie Shore

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One Of The (Many) Reasons Why I Love The Bad Girls Club

One of the many reasons why I love The Bad Girls Club is because the bitches on the show bring the drama into real life. For anybody doubting that the televised drama is real, check out this recent Twitter battle between Bad Girls Club: Miami alumni Morgan Osman and Lea Beaulieu:

20 Things I Learned From Watching Law & Order: SVU

1) Rape is bad.

2) Pedophiles are bad.

3) I don’t give a shit about Det. Stabler’s infinite number of kids and their stupid drama.

4) Det. Stabler’s wife is less attractive than Det. Stabler.

5) Det. Benson does this wide-eyed, crooked grimace thing when she’s trying to act horrified.

6) ADA Cabot was better than ADA Novak who was better than ADA Paxton who was better than ADA whoever-the-fuck.

7) For every good episode, there are at least 10 bad episodes.

8) There was a Michael Jackson ripoff episode. Ew.

9) During the opening of each episode, the “We’ll fool the audience” / “This isn’t the person who’s gonna be raped” routine gets old after the millionth time.

10) Det. Munch is Jewish. We get it.

11) Det. Tutuola is played by Ice-T. His wife, Coco, was a guest star in one episode. Ice-T plus Coco equals something they sell at Starbucks for $1.50.

12) Why am I still watching this fucking show? I need to find a hobby and re-think my life.

13) Dale Stuckey. This fucking guy. Don’t even get me started on this fucking guy! This “character” was perhaps the worst in the history of the Law & Order franchise. From the moment Dale Stuckey made his first appearance, it became impossible to suspend disbelief that the SVU squad would hire an obnoxious 17-year-old-looking fucktard to process forensics for major crimes. Did this dude just graduate from high school? Did he only get the job because he let Capt. Cragen touch his junk after school? Unknown. But what I do know is that the writer or writers who came up with this character should be fired immediately.

Dale Stuckey’s overall character was so poorly constructed and his overall function was so poorly concealed it makes me furious. They forced the audience to hate him by making him extremely annoying, had him make mistakes that thwarted investigations, and even gave him a fucking catchphrase “Bing, bang, bong” (that was almost too fucking retarded for me to type) to make the audience want to reach through the screen and bash his fucking head in. Then suddenly in a “we’ll shock the audience” cliché finale (see #18 below), they flipped a switch and turned him “bad” for a twist ending. Now we were all rooting for him to die, not only because he was “bad”, but because the writers shamelessly force-fed us hatred for him. Dale Stuckey’s entire “story arc”, if you can even call it that, was over-the-top and pathetically unbelievable. The worst thing was that they killed off an interesting minor character, CSU O’Halloran, who in his several brief appearances accomplished a stronger mental impression than Dale Stuckey ever did in his entire story arc. Epic writing failure. Anyway, rant over. On with the countdown…

14) My aunt calls it “SUV” instead of “SVU”.

15) People get bufu’d in jail.

16) Det. Benson gets more stylish each season. Do real cops have perfect hair and wear designer sunglasses all the time? Didn’t think so.

17) Censorship fucking sucks. It leads to lame-ass swear substitutes like “You piece of trash”, “Screw you!” and “Slime-ball”. I wish this show was on HBO!

18) The “let’s kill off a character people vaguely know but don’t care too much about so we can kill them” routine gets old after the millionth time. Bring back CSU O’Halloran! Sister Peg can stay dead. Spoiler alert.

19) Every time I see B. D. Wong, I quote Twiki from Buck Rogers (“bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi”).

20) “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offences are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.” Typed that from fucking memory!

*DUN DUNN!!!*

Jersey Shore Rant #1

I fucking hate Jersey Shore! Yes, I watch it (I know I’m a hypocrite)…but let me explain why I continue to sit through each episode, however begrudgingly and painful it may be.

The best thing about Jersey Shore is that it started off so well! To me, it was a televised trainwreck that highlighted the hypocrisy and douchebaggery that self-proclaimed “guidos” (aka “Italian-Americans”, aka “dirty guineas”) exhibited on a daily basis. It gave us a hysterical glimpse into the depraved world that spoiled, ignorant, conceited, hyper-sexed, cloned-ass, Ed Hardy-wearing shitbags fester in each summer in Seaside Heights, NJ. Watching these people made me lose faith in the human race…and I loved every second of it!

However!!! The biggest mistake in the history of television was not recasting Jersey Shore after the first season! Quote me on that, bitches. This would be like bringing back the same cast of The Bad Girls Club every season! Epic failure. Seriously, how refreshing would it be to see a new crop of gui-tards enter the shore house? By not re-casting, they made the cast “famous” to the point that they seldom interact with the “regular” people at clubs anymore. Seriously, has any single moment from Season 2 or 3 even come close to topping Season 1’s “Snooki punch”? Didn’t think so. And God damn, they’re making a Season 5?! I wish there was a petition I could circulate to make them re-cast the show. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to see these morons slip into the obscurity that reality stars rightfully fall into once their show is long over. Cunt.

Anyway, rant over. Enjoy my funny picture while you’re circulating the aforementioned petition.

From The A-List To The P-List

The latest reality show whore to transition from the Z-list of reality television to the P-list (aka low-grade online porn) is Reichen Lehmkuhl (thank you Google search for the correct spelling), the “star” of Logo’s The A-List: New York. Click the pic for the uncensored shit:

Ok, seriously, you’re dating a super-hot, super-stupid male model and you’re jerking off for fat creepy men on Cam4.com? This is almost as big an epic fail as this mess:

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