True Blood S07E10 InstaReview!

SPOILERS AHEAD!! THE SERIES FINALE! SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Here’s my InstaReview, the Watch TV With Steve simultaneous watching and blogging experience, of True Blood S07E10 “Thank You”. I’m not sure what this series finale will bring. Maybe all of the awful episodes leading up to it were just a giant fake-out to us viewers, getting our hopes down only to now give us a totally kick-ass, action-packed, surprisingly-awesome finale! I’m going to hold onto this dream while I prepare myself to watch vampires and their friends crying a whole bunch and talking about their unimportant feelings. With Burger King in hand and Photoshop at the ready, I present to you my review of the final episode of True Blood!

Introduction:
Bill wrestles with the nature of immortality and suggests that his inability to procreate with Sookie is somehow robbing her of the best thing in the world ever, not to mention preventing her from having a so-called “normal life”. Never mind that people in the real world choose not to have children all the time and are perfectly happy. Also, this argument is commonly made against supporting same-sex marriage. Um, True Blood is furthering the notion that people are only supposed to be together in order to procreate? Wow. Okay. Already we’re off to an interesting start. This theme song is permanently burned into my brain.

Part 1:
Eric glamors Sarah not to scream, Pam gives Sarah her blood, and the two let her escape. Eric and Pam easily dispatch the latest villains in town, the Yakuza and their leader (the “Tokyo Cowboy”), making us wonder why they didn’t just kill them all earlier in the season and save us some frustration. Somehow I predict Eric and Pam become millionaires by marketing the NuBlood themselves, and the two live luxuriously ever after. Anyway, Pam finds Sarah eating garbage on a carousel, and Sarah references the throwaway characters of Willa and Tara while asking Pam to turn her into a vampire too. Wow, Pam did a really great job dying Sarah’s hair back to blond! Especially considering Pam’s own roots have looked terrible all season. Ooo girl, oh no you didn’t! Anyway, Pam eats her blood and she screams, which I thought Eric glamored her not to do…

Part 2:
Jessica arrives at Bill’s house with her now-on-again boyfriend Hoyt in tow, and blabbers away that she doesn’t understand why Bill wants to die. The three get real corny while taking about marriage, and this screenshot is where I paused my video to write this - I think it sums up the cornball menu nicely:
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The corniness then transitions harshly to seriousness as Bill and Jessica hug it out upstairs, followed (in true Southern tradition) by the idea for a shotgun wedding! Yee-haw! Haha, fuck this is bad. Meanwhile, Sookie stares out a window and has flashbacks about her and Tara hanging out or something as children. Um, THIS CHILD ACTRESS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SOOKIE:
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Were they even trying when they cast this girl?! Das a ginger, Maury! She looks more like Jessica as a child than Sookie. Wow, talk about suspension of disbelief. They should have just cast a black girl as Sookie to see what happens for the hell of it. At the very least, they could have taken a Sharpie and made her a gap tooth. Did that develop for Sookie later in life? Who knows.

Part 3:
Sookie and Jason have an unintelligible conversation in mumbled fake accents. I’m seriously not understanding anything they’re saying. Now Hoyt asks Jason to be his best man? Wow, I’m sorry to mention the suspension of disbelief earlier, because this is about to take the suspension of disbelief wedding cake. [Pats self on back for awesome joke] Literally everyone in town dresses up and gets their hair and makeup done, a Mercedes is presumably rented, gifts are bought, signs are made, and most importantly, all outstanding beefs are squashed - all in a matter of milliseconds. Let the Hamby-Fortenberry shotgun wedding commence! Whew, what a relief that nobody was busy this day with other obligations, because as all brides-to-be know, that always conveniently happens.
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I added the bottom one but seriously, did an intern write this sign?! What kind of tacky shit…and this episode is barely half over!

Part 4:
Is it too late to hope that this is going to turn into the “Red Wedding” from Game of Thones? Amiright people?! I almost feel guilty referencing a great show in relation to this steaming pile. Now Jason and Hoyt are talking about some movie? I’m barely paying attention anymore. Oh god, I think I just heard the line: “live every day like it’s our last”. Stop the clichés! Too late, I smell a walking-down-the-stairs wedding dress reveal. Wait, she’s sitting on the stairs, but I still called it right! At least Hoyt’s prudish mom isn’t there…oooh, too soon? Cuz she’s dead, thank god. I’m also getting some very strong same-sex marriage sentiments here, as in “it may not be legal” but “love is love”. Sookie can apparently hear Bill’s thoughts now?

Part 5:
So Sookie hears the thoughts of Bill (aka “the writers”), and knows that he’s truly in love with her. Sookie also hears the thoughts of Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend (aka “the writers”), and knows that she’s truly in love with Jason. It seems like these thoughts (aka “the writers”) are really trying to convince us that these couples are truly meant to be. Sookie talks to Reverend IDK-His-Name about God and the nature of her powers and if she should sacrifice them to “kill Bill” (heh, Kill Bill). I hope this show doesn’t end by her turning Bill into a human or some shit.

Part 6:
We’re building up to a climax here, complete with Bill’s musical theme and referencing the name of the episode in the dialogue: “Thank You”. The scene becomes somewhat poignant, if a bit trite, as Sookie summons her final fatal fairy power.
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But Sookie comes to the realization that she can’t give up her fairy powers forever, because it’s “part of who she is”. So instead, she fetches a shovel handle placed conveniently nearby. She draws the stake above his heart - wait, wasn’t part of the reason Bill wants to die was because Sookie would be pursued forever by other vampires? I’m so confused - and together they plunge it into him and he explodes into a pool of blood. Sookie sobs and hilarious grabs at the pool of blood as if she can find some remnants of him to hold onto, and then climbs out of the hole. I imagine hordes of True Blood “fans” crying at this moment, but other than the sappy music, I’m not really moved by anything here. This all happened so fast, yet so drawn-out.

Epilogue:
"About a year later…" Yes! I think my prediction about Eric and Pam is coming true. "Three years after that…" Wow, that was a huge leap forward, in more ways than one. Sookie is pregnant?! Jason has a bunch of kids with Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend. Sam is back?! Eric and Pam are super rich but are still working the grind at Fangtasia for some reason, while selling carnival tickets for vampires to essentially rape suck the blood of a chained-up Sarah Newlin. Sarah is also losing her mind and is presumably haunted for eternity by a vision of Steve Newlin. This all seems…a little too harsh. But a happy song and happy couples fade out the end of this show forever. This is all too much, and too stupid, for words.

InstaReview:
What a long, strange, declining journey we’ve been on while watching True Blood all these years. I remember when I saw the very first episode - way back in my last year of college - and being instantly captivated by the imaginative story, the gritty imagery and compelling characters. The setting, rich with history and atmosphere, was depicted in a way that truly sparked the imagination. The first few seasons delivered intense cliffhangers, great plot twists and many memorable moments. Sadly, over the years and with each new season, the show lost all originality and momentum. The very things that were once so interesting and endearing about the main characters were explained to death, death itself was treated too casually, and cliché became commonplace. All the while, outlandish storylines were given to characters who were better left lingering in the background. Seasons came and went, and storylines started anew as if all prior events were completely forgotten. Whether these issues were the fault of the writers or producers - or both - I wrote this review amid the sadness of what could have been.

This last episode, entitled “Thank You”, would be more accurately named “Fuck You”. I’m sure like myself, many fans hoped this ending would be meaningful and clever, not to mention exciting and action-packed. Instead we were delivered a boring, sappy-happy hour that was a giant “fuck you” to the loyal viewers, crushing everything once great about the series inside of a hastily-wrapped and predictable package. For starters, couples paired off like they were on Noah’s ark! Characters were clumsily jammed back together with past and present lovers, a saccharine idea in gross conflict with the overplayed notions of “being true to who you are” and “not giving up who you are for someone else”. Secondly, some ideas went nowhere: the Yakuza posed no threat at all; Sookie’s childhood flashbacks with Tara served no greater purpose; the Hep-V crisis was too conveniently dealt with; Bill’s entire death did nothing because life clearly went on; a tacked-on epilogue that was unbelievable even by True Blood standards. So lastly, how should the show have ended? Well, I was hoping for some fights to the death. Also, Eric carrying Sookie while flying through the air would have been cool. Also, Eric and Pam chilling in some exotic villa with Sarah Newlin as their servant/maid would have been funny. Sookie would be single and content with that, having chosen neither Bill nor Eric (or that dude who died that one time that she admittedly didn’t care about dying). And finally, as I’ve mentioned before, maybe NuBlood would become synthesized fairy blood, which would take the danger away from Sookie forever and allow vampires to exist as “normal humans” in the daytime. In closing, all of these ideas are what “could have been”. What actually was, was pretty disappointing. But True Blood will always spark the imagination of the viewer, and for that reason, I suppose I will miss it in the end.

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True Blood S07E09 InstaReview!

Gurrl, I am getting faaat! I think I’ve gained like 10 pounds since my first InstaReview, the Watch TV With Steve simultaneous watching and blogging experience. It’s probably because I always get Burger King before I watch True Blood because it helps me cope. Anyway, today I’ll be InstaReviewing True Blood S07E09 “Love Is To Die”, the episode before the series finale! I’m really looking forward to this show dying so that, among many other reasons, I can finally get back on a diet.

Introduction:
BITCH SLAP!!!
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True Blood: Teaching the youth of America that if your significant other doesn’t do what you want them to do, it’s okay to smack them in the face. Cue theme song.

Part 1:
So Sam’s gone. The characters act all complicated and shit for a hot second, but ultimately it doesn’t seem to matter all that much to them (or us). Jessica and “what’s-his-name ex-boyfriend vampire” (I already forgot his name) get over their “beef” by having a 1 minute and 20 second conversation (yes, I timed it). Wow, the speed at which these minor character storylines resolve is shocking! So if they’re resolved so fast, why did they drag out for an entire season or more?! Meanwhile, Hoyt and “girlfriend” fight like they’re in a tacky soap opera. Cue Jessica arriving at the worst possible time, further driving the awful cliché. Jessica and Hoyt were absolutely miserable together in season whatever-the-fuck, so why are they getting back together now?! Ugh, this is awful. Stop crying!

Jessica: “I thought you would understand me. You were the first man that I ever really loved. And I’m really sorry that I fucked everything up with-with the girlfriend. I mean, she seems really nice and everything, it’s just that I knew that you were here and I couldn’t think of anyone else that I’d want to be with on a night like tonight. [Turns and rushes away] And that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard!”
Hoyt: “Well maybe it is. For whatever reason, it doesn’t really fucking matter right now.”

Wow, that sums up this scene nicely: “it doesn’t really fucking matter right now”. Anyway, Hoyt’s girlfriend calls Jason and it looks like they’re going to do the partner swap. Good work, writers!

Part 2:
Arlene and Sookie prattle on about Bill wanting to die and starting over and blah-blah-blah. Seriously, did Sookie just explain herself not appearing to care about Alcede dying by saying that she “never let go of Bill”? Wow, great work again, writers! Eric and Bill prattle on about Hep-V and Sookie’s fairy-ness and blah-blah-blah. Is there going to be any more cool action before the finale? Somehow, I doubt it.

Part 3:
Ugh, we’re back to the Jason and Hoyt storyline. Jason acts like a complete idiot and somehow charms Hoyt’s girlfriend’s panties off. Is it just me, or is it really obvious that he’s not actually talking to someone on the other end of that phone?
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So now Jessica takes the full blame for ending her former relationship with Hoyt, even though I distinctly remember Hoyt being a slob and acting really immature all those seasons ago.

Part 4:
Despite the awful writing and the messes made of other characters, I still like Pam. I feel like she’s interesting and entertaining, and she never had a true moment to shine. And now we’re back to the Jason and Hoyt storyline again! Fuck. Jason’s speech reaches an emotional climax, stating that Hoyt and Jessica belong together, at the same time the accompanying music and simultaneous montage of Jessica and Hoyt actually having sex also “climaxes”. Wow, that metaphor hit us over the head with a cartoon mallet. Eric explains some crap to Sookie and they fly off into the night. Back to the Jason storyline yet again! I just remembered why we have to keep going back to this - it’s to force the viewer to believe that Jason and Hoyt’s girlfriend ex-girlfriend are meant to be together. Otherwise, there isn’t enough context built up to warrant them being in a relationship. Amazing job again, writers! Emmy’s for everyone!

Part 5:
Eric throws Ginger (that extremely insignificant background character they gave a minor storyline to this season) a bone, literally. Is this the humor before the other shoe drops? Yes it is.

InstaReview:
Sookie bitch slaps Bill, Sam bids a wimpy written farewell and is insta-forgotten, characters prattle on about past and present minutiae, and waaaayyyy too much Jessica-Hoyt-Jason partner-swap storyline! This episode was painful to watch…one can only dread what the series finale has to offer next weekend!

True Blood S07E08 InstaReview!

It’s time for another InstaReview, the WatchTVWithSteve simultaneous watching and blogging experience! Today I’ll be InstaReviewing True Blood S07E08 “Almost Home”. I got my Burger King, and I got my hard cider, so I’m ready to go!

Introduction:
What I don’t understand about this intro scene is why Eric can’t seem to control himself wanting to kill Sarah Newlin. I guess we’re supposed to think that he’s so consumed by selfish revenge that he would sacrifice the lives of all infected vampires? But then, why do other characters (Sookie, Bill, etc.) seem to forget all about what happened to them previously? Didn’t Alcene just die a hot second ago? Didn’t Bill mutate into that giant tampon vampire goddess just the other week? Who knows.

Part 1:
Sookie and Bill pillow talk about Season 1 and tie up loose ends which hastily attempt to explain why these two are back together again. Meanwhile, the trippy Tara storyline saga continues. She’s dead, guys! Take a page from Sookie’s book and just throw a party, cry a little, hook up with somebody from your past, and forget all about it! BTW, I love how the people who live in this house just huddle together like frightened mice and let Lafayette and company have full access to their property. What kind of unrealistic way to streamline the action is this?! Stand yur ground, gurrl! Anyway, this scene showing Tara’s drunken daddy ruining her birthday party fills out her character with the same heavy-handedness of a toddler filling in a coloring book with a crayon. So glad I got to see this touching moment…not.

Part 2:
Hoyt is back, and my personal hell grows hotter. This scene is so awful and obvious. It’s like the True Blood writers think the audience is completely retarded! They hold the viewer’s hand and lead us so blatantly to what we’re supposed to think. Hoyt suddenly acts like a complete asshole, indicating to us that there’s an opening for Jason to swoop in and steal his hot blond girlfriend, thus mirroring the conflict over Jessica which drove Hoyt and Jason apart in Season Whatever-The-Fuck-Number. These writers are using crayons to write each episode, I swear! As Eric and Pam somehow learn for the first time in their 100+ year lifetimes how corporate greed works, no doubt foreshadowing the inevitable death of the Tokyo Cowboy, Jason confronts Violet in her mansion. And then Hoyt kills her. Another storyline wrapped up before the finale. DONE!

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Part 3:
Lafayette and company watch baby Tara get a gun and aim it at her father. Look at what my life has become: I’m now rooting for children to shoot guns at their parents on TV. Instead, she pussies out and buries the gun in the yard. So that’s what they’ve been searching for all this time?! They then spend an eternity “letting Tara go”, followed by another eternity “letting the Jason/Jessica/Hoyt love triangle mess go.” (Insert obligatory hashtags: #letitgo #frozen #killme)

Part 4:
Wasn’t Sookie in pajamas when she left her house? When did she have the time to change and put her hair up? Did she have some extra clothes and a scrunchie in her truck? Transitions make no sense in this show. Speaking of making no sense, Hoyt and Jessica have a never-ending scene and I literally did something else for like 10 minutes while they talked on and on and I literally missed nothing important. And now, predictably, Bill reaches some sort of moral climax and refuses to drink Sarah’s cure-blood.

InstaReview:
So now we know why there’s been so many meaningless sepia tone flashbacks! It looks like instead of some exciting action-packed ending, the events of True Blood have apparently been leading up to Bill’s internal conflict between the nature of his past humanity and his present vampiruritity (coined that term myself!). Either way, it’s a total “whomp, whomp.” Wouldn’t it be better if the finale involved a storyline in which Sookie’s fairy blood became the new synthesized TruBlood, thus allowing vampires to coexist in the daylight with humans and ending all hostilities forever? Nah, that would make too much sense.

True Blood S07E07 InstaReview!

Let me introduce the InstaReview, the WatchTVWithSteve simultaneous watching and blogging experience! In this first installment, I’ll be InstaReviewing True Blood S07E07 “May Be the Last Time”. I got a Whopper Jr. in hand (by which I mean 2 Whopper Jrs. and 2 Rodeo Cheeseburgers…cuz im tryna wach muh figgurl) and some hard cider to get me through this hot ass mess that is True Blood. Here we go!

Introduction:
So Eric, Pam and that Tokyo Cowboy are questioning Sarah Newlin’s sister about the Hep V antidote. The Tokyo Cowboy must’ve taken accent lessons from Stephen Moyer (Bill). Is he trying to do a Southern accent? I can’t figure it out. It’s terrible. Oop, and now the sister’s dead.

Part 1:
Andy, please stop grunting when you talk. Are you auditioning for the next Planet of the Apes movie? Now we’re hanging out with Jessica crying (oh great!), a diseased Bill and a mopey Sookie. This talk about “feeling” Andy’s daughter creeps me out a little. Meanwhile, that random freakasaurus Violet is keeping Absinthe (Andy’s daughter) and her fuck-brother in some mansion somewhere. The writers made Violet turn evil so quickly, it’s just way too unbelievable. Where did she come from again? That vampire concentration camp? What a great backstory…not.

Part 2:
Oh god, I forgot that some vampire got the hots for Arlene in the last episode. I’m sorry, I take back my comment about the Violet-turns-evil storyline being unbelievable, because this shit takes the fucking cake! Some dude who looks like he’s 40, but apparently is 25, but just said that he is over 500 years old, thinks Arlene is the hottest woman ever? Was he poked in the eyes with a silver needle?! Gaah! Now they’re having a sex scene?!?! What writer is responsible for this? I demand to know! I walked by the actress who plays Arlene in Hell’s Kitchen in NYC one time, and she looks just like how she does in the show. So WHY IN CREATION would somebody think that we the audience would want to watch her getting it on?! C’mon!!

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Ok, now we have full-on ass-exposed Arlene sex. Wait, that was just a dream? I seriously don’t get what’s happening.

Part 3:
We bounce around between some more characters now: Eric is somehow useful to the Tokyo Cowboy despite having nothing left to offer him; Jessica cries more; an insanely irrelevant historical flashback to Bill’s past. Ok, these flashbacks are just awful! It’s like pure soap opera bubbles scrubbing away all meaning behind the character.

Part 4:
OH NO! Hoyt is back?! In what universe did they throw this minor-character nothingness a bone and let him back on the show for a hot second? Now Jason is semi-nude and vacuuming, another pitiful bone thrown to the audience. And now we’re watching those two teenagers have sex. What is this?! As if “feeling” the girl wasn’t creepy enough before, now we have to watch more gratuitous possibly-underage semi-nudity. And lastly, what is with the awkwardness between Jason and Hoyt’s wife-or-whatever? I completely forgot what happened in past seasons…as if it really matters.

Part 5:
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Part 6:
Hoyt is crying. My personal hell is complete. Jason also has the hots for that blond cunt (Hoyt’s wife) he literally just met. Do I smell some obvious foreshadowing? Never mind, it’s just my Rodeo Cheeseburger. She’ll probably die at the hands of Violet - just another cheesy prediction. Didn’t we get enough Hoyt crying when Jessica and he were a couple? I’m having my own sepia tone flashback to the hell that was watching that storyline unfold.

Part 7:
Fairy-grandfather Niall is back. He is apparently “always watching” Sookie. Does that include when she bathes or has sex with every dude on the show? Unknown. Now Sarah “Newmi” Newlin is tripping out for no justifiable reason, and a Japanese satellite is watching her. Realism for the double win.

Part 8:
Sam is moping into a drink at Merlotte’s. Wait, isn’t it called something else now? Who the fuck knows (or cares). This dialogue is just the worst. It’s moments like these that really showcase how bad the show is now. Minor characters who nobody cares about talk about philosophical things nobody cares about.

Sam: “Are you happy here, Arlene? Ww…wiffeverythingsssgoinon…”
Arlene: “I faked it. See my hope is, the more I fake it, the more I believe it. Until the happiness becomes real. But no, Sam, I ain’t happy. But there ain’t a chance in hell I’m gonna stop tryna be.”
[Arlene starts to cry]
Arlene: “Bon Temps’s where my life is…everyone I know and love is here.”
[Sam pours them another drink]

Did Sarah Palin guest write this?! It was so hard to even concentrate on what they were talking about. Ugh! [Steve drinks more hard cider]

Part 9:
Andy and Holly are back looking for their kids. As if anyone cares anymore. And now Andy is crying about how peaceful the lake looks?! I can’t deal…I need another hard cider.
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Part 10:
Is it just me or is Grandpa Niall more grumpy and old-looking, with a twinge of Native American trope-ishness? So his showing up was all for nothing. Great, so glad I got to see him before the series finale. At least Lafayette wasn’t in this episode. Oh damn! Never mind. And now we’re with Arlene slow-dancing with that really old-looking vampire. Arlene admits she’s HIV Hep V-positive and they dance to some old ass song, furthering the idea that he’s super old in my mind. Cut to Violet waking up to those teens fucking, and some action might start now…wait, nope.

Part 11:
And look! We have Sookie and Bill back together again, as if that wasn’t super obvious. Sarah continues to trip the fuck out. Full on sex between Bill and Sookie, including Sookie’s bewbz, and Bill can’t get it up (his fangs) because he’s sick as shit. The end.

InstaReview:
Thank god that’s over! There are so many disjointed scenes that I can’t even blog them all neatly. No action, lots of crying (Jessica, Sookie, Hoyt, Andy), some awkward fucking (Absinthe and her fuck-brother, Sookie and Bill), awful dialogue (Hoyt and Jason, Arlene and Sam, Andy and Holly, Niall and Sookie), and overall I’m left with a bad taste of Whopper Jrs. and hard cider in my mouth. Final Thoughts on S07E07: “Don’t give minor characters their own major storylines. Useless philosophical filler dialogue, crying, scenes that go nowhere, predicable plot. Just an overall awful episode.”

I Am So Fucking Over True Blood

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Guys, can we talk about True Blood and how much it blows? Spoiler alert ahead. Here is my Top 10 True Blood Gripes about the final (thank god!) season:

10) Where did Sookie go?
Isn’t this show supposed to be about S(n)ookie? She doesn’t seem to really care much anymore. I mean, she literally slept through half of the episode I just watched (S07E06), and then was annoyed to be woken up. Oh, don’t mind us, Sookie, you go ahead and go back to sleep. We’re just, you know, the viewer, and are kind of interested to see what you’re up to. But yeah, you just rest up and maybe we’ll see you again in the last episode. Ugh! I’m so done with Sookie’s dwindling faerie/fairy/ferry powers and her stinky blood and her gap-tooth. Bye!

9) Poor-quality man-candy.
Alcede was hot, but that awful grunting sound he kept making turned me off completely. Jason is “meh” with a good body, and is cross-eyed. Sam is too average and is also cross-eyed. Lafayette looks like New York from The Flavor of Love. Bill is such a phoney baloney and his accent is somehow getting poorer each episode. Eric has no chin, instead he has an empty void where his chin should be. I think a team studying glaciers or some shit went looking for his chin and hasn’t been heard from since. #prayfortheirfamilies

8) Stop crying, you cunts!
You know what I don’t like to watch? People crying. You know what I don’t like to watch even more? People who aren’t even major characters crying. Seriously, that lady who was involved with the goofy town deputy who died got a full 10-minute eternity to cry. Um, WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

7) Who are you again?
I can’t fucking keep track of all these stupid minor characters anymore. So Andy has a fairy daughter named Absinthe, and she is fucking her step-brother…um…Clarence? Who knows. That fat bitchy ho who Sam got pregnant? No idea what her name is. Heather? I wanna say Heather. Maybe it’s Polly. Polly Pocket. Yeah, that’s it!

6) Pregnant Polly Pocket
So I’m just going to call her Polly Pocket, because I have no idea what her name is. That’s how important she is to me. She’s that curly haired ho who is pregnant and bitchy and somehow involved with Sam. She did something last season (Season 6), but I can’t quite remember what it was. It had something to do with shapeshifters I think, and she was really annoying during that time. Anyway, she got captured this season (Season 7) and spends her free time waddling around or sitting down on things. She complains about everything, even though honestly she’s lucky to even be alive. DONE!

5) Is it chilly in here, or is it just this dialogue?
I get douche chills so hard during each new episode that I have to wear a Snuggie while watching. They should make a Merlotte’s Snuggie, like that dumb Merlotte’s waitress shirt they were merch-ing a few years ago. But seriously, the dialogue is so poor and the acting so wooden that it’s just painful to watch. Those actors must be dying on the inside. I like to insert my own dialogue into especially boring scenes, which usually goes along the lines of: “You’re a cunt. Stop crying.”

4) Bad romance
So they’re trying to make us think that Bill and Sookie will get together again, right? Yeah, she must have forgotten that “six months ago” (the characters have referenced this timeframe) Bill turned into a total dick and drank old pussy blood and turned into an even bigger old pussy. He was such a dick back then. Did Sookie forget about that? Really?! Nah, they’re back in Bonne Tommpz now, where things are magically forgotten like some writing staff took a giant eraser to everything written in past seasons. Basically, it’s obvious that the writers are giving a gift to the fans who just want these “neat little box” couplings: Sookie/Bill, Eric/Pam, Jason/Jessica, Lafayette/RandomVampireGuy.

3) RandomVampireGuy
The saddest addition to this list is this one, because I actually like RandomVampireGuy! (Thanks to Google, I know now that the character’s name is James Kent, as if last names are even important in the True Blood universe) He was Jessica’s boyfriend somehow after they met in that vampire concentration camp last season. He was originally portrayed by some fuckhead actor named InsertNameHere, but is now played by the infinitely-better actor Nathan Parsons. The originally dude quit the role because he was afraid of getting gaybies (gay rabies) from playing a bisexual character. I hate to break it to you InsertNameHere, but you already have gaybies from even being on True Blood in the first place! Anyway, the second guy is better looking and a more compelling actor too. The character’s back-story about the Vietnam war and being gay bashed was probably the most interesting scene for me this season, and it was way too short. But then, the forced romance between James and Lafayette kind of ruins him for me…and Lafayette is a top?! pleez bitch, dat boi is a bttm! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0kqobQRcUo)

2) Minor characters getting major storylines
This is the second biggest reason for the show’s demise. What kind of shit writers thought we cared enough about Terry Bellefleur to have his funeral span over 3 episodes in Season 6? Who thought we cared enough about Andy to listen to him grunting about his relationship woes every episode? Who thought that Arlene’s whining about everything under the sun was appealing to the viewer? Did they think these characters have a fan base? These were pathetic minor characters at best, who for some reason (most likely to fill a severe lack of original content), were given major storylines. I want to watch a story about Sookie Stackhouse, the main character. I understand that the mishandling of Sookie’s character due to a lack of original content made her become annoying, so the writers wanted to giver her a break…but still! If they killed off Andy, Holly, Arlene, Violet, Willa, Sam, Polly Pocket, and every child in one giant minor character explosion, I wouldn’t give two shits. As long as the other characters didn’t spend any time mourning their deaths afterward…

1) Lack of original content and departure from source material
The dooming of True Blood was ultimately because of the shitty writers and showrunners who steered the main story away from the plots of the books. This gave rise to hackneyed story arcs forgotten between each new season, terrible subplots and endless minor character filler. Congratulations! You destroyed a show that we all loved at first. I have fond memories of watching those first two seasons, closely based on the books, and looking forward to another summer of True Blood. Now, I can’t wait for this shit to be put into the coffin for good.

Steve, Where Have You Been?

TL;DR: Trying to find a job, having no luck. Also, HBO.

Yes, I’ve been trying to find a job these past few months…which means that I’ve actually been watching Game of Thrones. I got into it late because this dumb bitch that I know told me I should watch it, and ya’ll know that when some dumb bitch suggests you do something, you ain’t wanna do it. But lo and behold, that fat smelly bitch was right! It’s a great show.

But now my poor little heart is overflowing with anger. Not necessarily about Game of Thrones, because that shit is on point. Mostly at True Blood. Ooo hunny, that shit is a hot fucking mess! Can we talk about it for a second? I think that means Watch TV With Steve is BACK.

Separated At Birth: Geordie Shore

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One Of The (Many) Reasons Why I Love The Bad Girls Club

One of the many reasons why I love The Bad Girls Club is because the bitches on the show bring the drama into real life. For anybody doubting that the televised drama is real, check out this recent Twitter battle between Bad Girls Club: Miami alumni Morgan Osman and Lea Beaulieu:

20 Things I Learned From Watching Law & Order: SVU

1) Rape is bad.

2) Pedophiles are bad.

3) I don’t give a shit about Det. Stabler’s infinite number of kids and their stupid drama.

4) Det. Stabler’s wife is less attractive than Det. Stabler.

5) Det. Benson does this wide-eyed, crooked grimace thing when she’s trying to act horrified.

6) ADA Cabot was better than ADA Novak who was better than ADA Paxton who was better than ADA whoever-the-fuck.

7) For every good episode, there are at least 10 bad episodes.

8) There was a Michael Jackson ripoff episode. Ew.

9) During the opening of each episode, the “We’ll fool the audience” / “This isn’t the person who’s gonna be raped” routine gets old after the millionth time.

10) Det. Munch is Jewish. We get it.

11) Det. Tutuola is played by Ice-T. His wife, Coco, was a guest star in one episode. Ice-T plus Coco equals something they sell at Starbucks for $1.50.

12) Why am I still watching this fucking show? I need to find a hobby and re-think my life.

13) Dale Stuckey. This fucking guy. Don’t even get me started on this fucking guy! This “character” was perhaps the worst in the history of the Law & Order franchise. From the moment Dale Stuckey made his first appearance, it became impossible to suspend disbelief that the SVU squad would hire an obnoxious 17-year-old-looking fucktard to process forensics for major crimes. Did this dude just graduate from high school? Did he only get the job because he let Capt. Cragen touch his junk after school? Unknown. But what I do know is that the writer or writers who came up with this character should be fired immediately.

Dale Stuckey’s overall character was so poorly constructed and his overall function was so poorly concealed it makes me furious. They forced the audience to hate him by making him extremely annoying, had him make mistakes that thwarted investigations, and even gave him a fucking catchphrase “Bing, bang, bong” (that was almost too fucking retarded for me to type) to make the audience want to reach through the screen and bash his fucking head in. Then suddenly in a “we’ll shock the audience” cliché finale (see #18 below), they flipped a switch and turned him “bad” for a twist ending. Now we were all rooting for him to die, not only because he was “bad”, but because the writers shamelessly force-fed us hatred for him. Dale Stuckey’s entire “story arc”, if you can even call it that, was over-the-top and pathetically unbelievable. The worst thing was that they killed off an interesting minor character, CSU O’Halloran, who in his several brief appearances accomplished a stronger mental impression than Dale Stuckey ever did in his entire story arc. Epic writing failure. Anyway, rant over. On with the countdown…

14) My aunt calls it “SUV” instead of “SVU”.

15) People get bufu’d in jail.

16) Det. Benson gets more stylish each season. Do real cops have perfect hair and wear designer sunglasses all the time? Didn’t think so.

17) Censorship fucking sucks. It leads to lame-ass swear substitutes like “You piece of trash”, “Screw you!” and “Slime-ball”. I wish this show was on HBO!

18) The “let’s kill off a character people vaguely know but don’t care too much about so we can kill them” routine gets old after the millionth time. Bring back CSU O’Halloran! Sister Peg can stay dead. Spoiler alert.

19) Every time I see B. D. Wong, I quote Twiki from Buck Rogers (“bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi”).

20) “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offences are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.” Typed that from fucking memory!

*DUN DUNN!!!*

Jersey Shore Rant #1

I fucking hate Jersey Shore! Yes, I watch it (I know I’m a hypocrite)…but let me explain why I continue to sit through each episode, however begrudgingly and painful it may be.

The best thing about Jersey Shore is that it started off so well! To me, it was a televised trainwreck that highlighted the hypocrisy and douchebaggery that self-proclaimed “guidos” (aka “Italian-Americans”, aka “dirty guineas”) exhibited on a daily basis. It gave us a hysterical glimpse into the depraved world that spoiled, ignorant, conceited, hyper-sexed, cloned-ass, Ed Hardy-wearing shitbags fester in each summer in Seaside Heights, NJ. Watching these people made me lose faith in the human race…and I loved every second of it!

However!!! The biggest mistake in the history of television was not recasting Jersey Shore after the first season! Quote me on that, bitches. This would be like bringing back the same cast of The Bad Girls Club every season! Epic failure. Seriously, how refreshing would it be to see a new crop of gui-tards enter the shore house? By not re-casting, they made the cast “famous” to the point that they seldom interact with the “regular” people at clubs anymore. Seriously, has any single moment from Season 2 or 3 even come close to topping Season 1’s “Snooki punch”? Didn’t think so. And God damn, they’re making a Season 5?! I wish there was a petition I could circulate to make them re-cast the show. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to see these morons slip into the obscurity that reality stars rightfully fall into once their show is long over. Cunt.

Anyway, rant over. Enjoy my funny picture while you’re circulating the aforementioned petition.