SPOILERS AHEAD!! THE SERIES FINALE! SPOILERS AHEAD!!
Here’s my InstaReview, the Watch TV With Steve simultaneous watching and blogging experience, of True Blood S07E10 “Thank You”. I’m not sure what this series finale will bring. Maybe all of the awful episodes leading up to it were just a giant fake-out to us viewers, getting our hopes down only to now give us a totally kick-ass, action-packed, surprisingly-awesome finale! I’m going to hold onto this dream while I prepare myself to watch vampires and their friends crying a whole bunch and talking about their unimportant feelings. With Burger King in hand and Photoshop at the ready, I present to you my review of the final episode of True Blood!
Bill wrestles with the nature of immortality and suggests that his inability to procreate with Sookie is somehow robbing her of the best thing in the world ever, not to mention preventing her from having a so-called “normal life”. Never mind that people in the real world choose not to have children all the time and are perfectly happy. Also, this argument is commonly made against supporting same-sex marriage. Um, True Blood is furthering the notion that people are only supposed to be together in order to procreate? Wow. Okay. Already we’re off to an interesting start. This theme song is permanently burned into my brain.
Eric glamors Sarah not to scream, Pam gives Sarah her blood, and the two let her escape. Eric and Pam easily dispatch the latest villains in town, the Yakuza and their leader (the “Tokyo Cowboy”), making us wonder why they didn’t just kill them all earlier in the season and save us some frustration. Somehow I predict Eric and Pam become millionaires by marketing the NuBlood themselves, and the two live luxuriously ever after. Anyway, Pam finds Sarah eating garbage on a carousel, and Sarah references the throwaway characters of Willa and Tara while asking Pam to turn her into a vampire too. Wow, Pam did a really great job dying Sarah’s hair back to blond! Especially considering Pam’s own roots have looked terrible all season. Ooo girl, oh no you didn’t! Anyway, Pam eats her blood and she screams, which I thought Eric glamored her not to do…
Jessica arrives at Bill’s house with her now-on-again boyfriend Hoyt in tow, and blabbers away that she doesn’t understand why Bill wants to die. The three get real corny while taking about marriage, and this screenshot is where I paused my video to write this - I think it sums up the cornball menu nicely:
The corniness then transitions harshly to seriousness as Bill and Jessica hug it out upstairs, followed (in true Southern tradition) by the idea for a shotgun wedding! Yee-haw! Haha, fuck this is bad. Meanwhile, Sookie stares out a window and has flashbacks about her and Tara hanging out or something as children. Um, THIS CHILD ACTRESS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SOOKIE:
Were they even trying when they cast this girl?! Das a ginger, Maury! She looks more like Jessica as a child than Sookie. Wow, talk about suspension of disbelief. They should have just cast a black girl as Sookie to see what happens for the hell of it. At the very least, they could have taken a Sharpie and made her a gap tooth. Did that develop for Sookie later in life? Who knows.
Sookie and Jason have an unintelligible conversation in mumbled fake accents. I’m seriously not understanding anything they’re saying. Now Hoyt asks Jason to be his best man? Wow, I’m sorry to mention the suspension of disbelief earlier, because this is about to take the suspension of disbelief wedding cake. [Pats self on back for awesome joke] Literally everyone in town dresses up and gets their hair and makeup done, a Mercedes is presumably rented, gifts are bought, signs are made, and most importantly, all outstanding beefs are squashed - all in a matter of milliseconds. Let the Hamby-Fortenberry shotgun wedding commence! Whew, what a relief that nobody was busy this day with other obligations, because as all brides-to-be know, that always conveniently happens.
I added the bottom one but seriously, did an intern write this sign?! What kind of tacky shit…and this episode is barely half over!
Is it too late to hope that this is going to turn into the “Red Wedding” from Game of Thones? Amiright people?! I almost feel guilty referencing a great show in relation to this steaming pile. Now Jason and Hoyt are talking about some movie? I’m barely paying attention anymore. Oh god, I think I just heard the line: “live every day like it’s our last”. Stop the clichés! Too late, I smell a walking-down-the-stairs wedding dress reveal. Wait, she’s sitting on the stairs, but I still called it right! At least Hoyt’s prudish mom isn’t there…oooh, too soon? Cuz she’s dead, thank god. I’m also getting some very strong same-sex marriage sentiments here, as in “it may not be legal” but “love is love”. Sookie can apparently hear Bill’s thoughts now?
So Sookie hears the thoughts of Bill (aka “the writers”), and knows that he’s truly in love with her. Sookie also hears the thoughts of Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend (aka “the writers”), and knows that she’s truly in love with Jason. It seems like these thoughts (aka “the writers”) are really trying to convince us that these couples are truly meant to be. Sookie talks to Reverend IDK-His-Name about God and the nature of her powers and if she should sacrifice them to “kill Bill” (heh, Kill Bill). I hope this show doesn’t end by her turning Bill into a human or some shit.
We’re building up to a climax here, complete with Bill’s musical theme and referencing the name of the episode in the dialogue: “Thank You”. The scene becomes somewhat poignant, if a bit trite, as Sookie summons her final fatal fairy power.
But Sookie comes to the realization that she can’t give up her fairy powers forever, because it’s “part of who she is”. So instead, she fetches a shovel handle placed conveniently nearby. She draws the stake above his heart - wait, wasn’t part of the reason Bill wants to die was because Sookie would be pursued forever by other vampires? I’m so confused - and together they plunge it into him and he explodes into a pool of blood. Sookie sobs and hilarious grabs at the pool of blood as if she can find some remnants of him to hold onto, and then climbs out of the hole. I imagine hordes of True Blood “fans” crying at this moment, but other than the sappy music, I’m not really moved by anything here. This all happened so fast, yet so drawn-out.
"About a year later…" Yes! I think my prediction about Eric and Pam is coming true. "Three years after that…" Wow, that was a huge leap forward, in more ways than one. Sookie is pregnant?! Jason has a bunch of kids with Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend. Sam is back?! Eric and Pam are super rich but are still working the grind at Fangtasia for some reason, while selling carnival tickets for vampires to
essentially rape suck the blood of a chained-up Sarah Newlin. Sarah is also losing her mind and is presumably haunted for eternity by a vision of Steve Newlin. This all seems…a little too harsh. But a happy song and happy couples fade out the end of this show forever. This is all too much, and too stupid, for words.
What a long, strange, declining journey we’ve been on while watching True Blood all these years. I remember when I saw the very first episode - way back in my last year of college - and being instantly captivated by the imaginative story, the gritty imagery and compelling characters. The setting, rich with history and atmosphere, was depicted in a way that truly sparked the imagination. The first few seasons delivered intense cliffhangers, great plot twists and many memorable moments. Sadly, over the years and with each new season, the show lost all originality and momentum. The very things that were once so interesting and endearing about the main characters were explained to death, death itself was treated too casually, and cliché became commonplace. All the while, outlandish storylines were given to characters who were better left lingering in the background. Seasons came and went, and storylines started anew as if all prior events were completely forgotten. Whether these issues were the fault of the writers or producers - or both - I wrote this review amid the sadness of what could have been.
This last episode, entitled “Thank You”, would be more accurately named “Fuck You”. I’m sure like myself, many fans hoped this ending would be meaningful and clever, not to mention exciting and action-packed. Instead we were delivered a boring, sappy-happy hour that was a giant “fuck you” to the loyal viewers, crushing everything once great about the series inside of a hastily-wrapped and predictable package. For starters, couples paired off like they were on Noah’s ark! Characters were clumsily jammed back together with past and present lovers, a saccharine idea in gross conflict with the overplayed notions of “being true to who you are” and “not giving up who you are for someone else”. Secondly, some ideas went nowhere: the Yakuza posed no threat at all; Sookie’s childhood flashbacks with Tara served no greater purpose; the Hep-V crisis was too conveniently dealt with; Bill’s entire death did nothing because life clearly went on; a tacked-on epilogue that was unbelievable even by True Blood standards. So lastly, how should the show have ended? Well, I was hoping for some fights to the death. Also, Eric carrying Sookie while flying through the air would have been cool. Also, Eric and Pam chilling in some exotic villa with Sarah Newlin as their servant/maid would have been funny. Sookie would be single and content with that, having chosen neither Bill nor Eric (or that dude who died that one time that she admittedly didn’t care about dying). And finally, as I’ve mentioned before, maybe NuBlood would become synthesized fairy blood, which would take the danger away from Sookie forever and allow vampires to exist as “normal humans” in the daytime. In closing, all of these ideas are what “could have been”. What actually was, was pretty disappointing. But True Blood will always spark the imagination of the viewer, and for that reason, I suppose I will miss it in the end.