Guys, can we talk about True Blood and how much it blows? Here is my Top 10 True Blood Gripes about the final (thank god!) season:
10) Where did Sookie go?
Isn’t this show supposed to be about S(n)ookie? She doesn’t seem to really care much anymore. I mean, she literally slept through half of the episode I just watched (S07E06), and then was annoyed to be woken up. Oh, don’t mind us, Sookie, you go ahead and go back to sleep. We’re just, you know, the viewer, and are kind of interested to see what you’re up to. But yeah, you just rest up and maybe we’ll see you again in the last episode. Ugh! I’m so done with Sookie’s dwindling faerie/fairy/ferry powers and her stinky blood and her gap-tooth. Bye!
9) Poor-quality man-candy.
Alcede was hot, but that awful grunting sound he kept making turned me off completely. Jason is “meh” with a good body, and is cross-eyed. Sam is too average and is also cross-eyed. Lafayette looks like New York from The Flavor of Love. Bill is such a phoney baloney and his accent is somehow getting poorer each episode. Eric has no chin, instead he has an empty void where his chin should be. I think a team studying glaciers or some shit went looking for his chin and hasn’t been heard from since. #prayfortheirfamilies
8) Stop crying, you cunts!
You know what I don’t like to watch? People crying. You know what I don’t like to watch even more? People who aren’t even major characters crying. Seriously, that lady who was involved with the goofy town deputy who died got a full 10-minute eternity to cry. Um, WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
7) Who are you again?
I can’t fucking keep track of all these stupid minor characters anymore. So Andy has a fairy daughter named Absinthe, and she is fucking her step-brother…um…Clarence? Who knows. That fat bitchy ho who Sam got pregnant? No idea what her name is. Heather? I wanna say Heather. Maybe it’s Polly. Polly Pocket. Yeah, that’s it!
6) Pregnant Polly Pocket
So I’m just going to call her Polly Pocket, because I have no idea what her name is. That’s how important she is to me. She’s that curly haired ho who is pregnant and bitchy and somehow involved with Sam. She did something last season (Season 6), but I can’t quite remember what it was. It had something to do with shapeshifters I think, and she was really annoying during that time. Anyway, she got captured this season (Season 7) and spends her free time waddling around or sitting down on things. She complains about everything, even though honestly she’s lucky to even be alive. DONE!
5) Is it chilly in here, or is it just this dialogue?
I get douche chills so hard during each new episode that I have to wear a Snuggie while watching. They should make a Merlotte’s Snuggie, like that dumb Merlotte’s waitress shirt they were merch-ing a few years ago. But seriously, the dialogue is so poor and the acting so wooden that it’s just painful to watch. Those actors must be dying on the inside. I like to insert my own dialogue into especially boring scenes, which usually goes along the lines of: “You’re a cunt. Stop crying.”
4) Bad romance
So they’re trying to make us think that Bill and Sookie will get together again, right? Yeah, she must have forget that “six months ago” (the characters have referenced this timeframe) Bill turned into a total dick and drank old pussy blood and turned into an even bigger old pussy. He was such a dick back then. Did Sookie forget about that? Really?! Nah, they’re back in Bonne Tommpz now, where things are magically forgotten like some writing staff took a giant eraser to everything written in past seasons. Basically, it’s obvious that the writers are giving a gift to the fans who just want these “neat little box” couplings: Sookie/Bill, Eric/Pam, Jason/Jessica, Lafayette/RandomVampireGuy.
The saddest addition to this list is this one, because I actually like RandomVampireGuy! (Thanks to Google, I know now the character’s name is James Kent, as if last names are even important in the True Blood universe) He was Jessica’s boyfriend somehow after they met in that vampire concentration camp last season. He was originally portrayed by some fuckhead actor named InsertNameHere, but is now played by the infinitely-better actor Nathan Parsons. The originally dude quit the role because he was afraid of getting gaybies (gay rabies) from playing a bisexual character. I hate to break it to you InsertNameHere, but you already have gaybies from even being on True Blood in the first place! Anyway, the second guy is better looking and a more compelling actor too. The character’s back-story about the Vietnam war and being gay bashed was probably the most interesting scene for me this season, and it was all too short. But then, the forced romance between James and Lafayette kind of ruins him for me…and Lafayette is a top?! pleez bitch, dat boi is a bttm! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0kqobQRcUo)
2) Minor characters getting major storylines
This is the second biggest reason for the show’s demise. What kind of shit writers thought we cared enough about Terry Bellefleur to have his funeral span over 3 episodes in Season 6? Who thought we cared enough about Andy to listen to him grunting about his relationship woes every episode? Who thought that Arlene’s whining about everything under the sun was appealing to the viewer? Did they think these characters have a fan base? These were pathetic minor characters at best, who for some reason (most likely to fill a severe lack of original content), were given major storylines. I want to watch a story about Sookie Stackhouse, the main character. I understand that the mishandling of Sookie’s character due to a lack of original content made her become annoying, so the writers wanted to giver her a break…but still! If they killed off Andy, Holly, Arlene, Violet, Willa, Sam, Polly Pocket, and every child in one giant minor character explosion, I wouldn’t give two shits. As long as the other characters didn’t spend any time mourning their deaths afterwards.
1) Lack of original content and departure from source material
The dooming of True Blood was ultimately because of the shitty writers and showrunners who steered the main story away from the plots of the books. This gave rise to hackneyed story arcs forgotten between each new season, terrible subplots and endless minor character filler. Congratulations! You destroyed a show that we all loved at first. I have fond memories of watching those first two seasons, closely based on the books, and looking forward to another summer of True Blood. Now, I can’t wait for this shit to be put into the coffin for good.