I Am So Fucking Over True Blood

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Guys, can we talk about True Blood and how much it blows? Here is my Top 10 True Blood Gripes about the final (thank god!) season:

10) Where did Sookie go?
Isn’t this show supposed to be about S(n)ookie? She doesn’t seem to really care much anymore. I mean, she literally slept through half of the episode I just watched (S07E06), and then was annoyed to be woken up. Oh, don’t mind us, Sookie, you go ahead and go back to sleep. We’re just, you know, the viewer, and are kind of interested to see what you’re up to. But yeah, you just rest up and maybe we’ll see you again in the last episode. Ugh! I’m so done with Sookie’s dwindling faerie/fairy/ferry powers and her stinky blood and her gap-tooth. Bye!

9) Poor-quality man-candy.
Alcede was hot, but that awful grunting sound he kept making turned me off completely. Jason is “meh” with a good body, and is cross-eyed. Sam is too average and is also cross-eyed. Lafayette looks like New York from The Flavor of Love. Bill is such a phoney baloney and his accent is somehow getting poorer each episode. Eric has no chin, instead he has an empty void where his chin should be. I think a team studying glaciers or some shit went looking for his chin and hasn’t been heard from since. #prayfortheirfamilies

8) Stop crying, you cunts!
You know what I don’t like to watch? People crying. You know what I don’t like to watch even more? People who aren’t even major characters crying. Seriously, that lady who was involved with the goofy town deputy who died got a full 10-minute eternity to cry. Um, WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

7) Who are you again?
I can’t fucking keep track of all these stupid minor characters anymore. So Andy has a fairy daughter named Absinthe, and she is fucking her step-brother…um…Clarence? Who knows. That fat bitchy ho who Sam got pregnant? No idea what her name is. Heather? I wanna say Heather. Maybe it’s Polly. Polly Pocket. Yeah, that’s it!

6) Pregnant Polly Pocket
So I’m just going to call her Polly Pocket, because I have no idea what her name is. That’s how important she is to me. She’s that curly haired ho who is pregnant and bitchy and somehow involved with Sam. She did something last season (Season 6), but I can’t quite remember what it was. It had something to do with shapeshifters I think, and she was really annoying during that time. Anyway, she got captured this season (Season 7) and spends her free time waddling around or sitting down on things. She complains about everything, even though honestly she’s lucky to even be alive. DONE!

5) Is it chilly in here, or is it just this dialogue?
I get douche chills so hard during each new episode that I have to wear a Snuggie while watching. They should make a Merlotte’s Snuggie, like that dumb Merlotte’s waitress shirt they were merch-ing a few years ago. But seriously, the dialogue is so poor and the acting so wooden that it’s just painful to watch. Those actors must be dying on the inside. I like to insert my own dialogue into especially boring scenes, which usually goes along the lines of: “You’re a cunt. Stop crying.”

4) Bad romance
So they’re trying to make us think that Bill and Sookie will get together again, right? Yeah, she must have forget that “six months ago” (the characters have referenced this timeframe) Bill turned into a total dick and drank old pussy blood and turned into an even bigger old pussy. He was such a dick back then. Did Sookie forget about that? Really?! Nah, they’re back in Bonne Tommpz now, where things are magically forgotten like some writing staff took a giant eraser to everything written in past seasons. Basically, it’s obvious that the writers are giving a gift to the fans who just want these “neat little box” couplings: Sookie/Bill, Eric/Pam, Jason/Jessica, Lafayette/RandomVampireGuy.

3) RandomVampireGuy
The saddest addition to this list is this one, because I actually like RandomVampireGuy! (Thanks to Google, I know now the character’s name is James Kent, as if last names are even important in the True Blood universe) He was Jessica’s boyfriend somehow after they met in that vampire concentration camp last season. He was originally portrayed by some fuckhead actor named InsertNameHere, but is now played by the infinitely-better actor Nathan Parsons. The originally dude quit the role because he was afraid of getting gaybies (gay rabies) from playing a bisexual character. I hate to break it to you InsertNameHere, but you already have gaybies from even being on True Blood in the first place! Anyway, the second guy is better looking and a more compelling actor too. The character’s back-story about the Vietnam war and being gay bashed was probably the most interesting scene for me this season, and it was all too short. But then, the forced romance between James and Lafayette kind of ruins him for me…and Lafayette is a top?! pleez bitch, dat boi is a bttm! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0kqobQRcUo)

2) Minor characters getting major storylines
This is the second biggest reason for the show’s demise. What kind of shit writers thought we cared enough about Terry Bellefleur to have his funeral span over 3 episodes in Season 6? Who thought we cared enough about Andy to listen to him grunting about his relationship woes every episode? Who thought that Arlene’s whining about everything under the sun was appealing to the viewer? Did they think these characters have a fan base? These were pathetic minor characters at best, who for some reason (most likely to fill a severe lack of original content), were given major storylines. I want to watch a story about Sookie Stackhouse, the main character. I understand that the mishandling of Sookie’s character due to a lack of original content made her become annoying, so the writers wanted to giver her a break…but still! If they killed off Andy, Holly, Arlene, Violet, Willa, Sam, Polly Pocket, and every child in one giant minor character explosion, I wouldn’t give two shits. As long as the other characters didn’t spend any time mourning their deaths afterwards.

1) Lack of original content and departure from source material
The dooming of True Blood was ultimately because of the shitty writers and showrunners who steered the main story away from the plots of the books. This gave rise to hackneyed story arcs forgotten between each new season, terrible subplots and endless minor character filler. Congratulations! You destroyed a show that we all loved at first. I have fond memories of watching those first two seasons, closely based on the books, and looking forward to another summer of True Blood. Now, I can’t wait for this shit to be put into the coffin for good.

Steve, Where Have You Been?

TL;DR: Trying to find a job, having no luck. Also, HBO.

Yes, I’ve been trying to find a job these past few months…which means that I’ve actually been watching Game of Thrones. I got into it late because this dumb bitch that I know told me I should watch it, and ya’ll know that when some dumb bitch suggests you do something, you ain’t wanna do it. But lo and behold, that fat smelly bitch was right! It’s a great show.

But now my poor little heart is overflowing with anger. Not necessarily about Game of Thrones, because that shit is on point. Mostly at True Blood. Ooo hunny, that shit is a hot fucking mess! Can we talk about it for a second? I think that means Watch TV With Steve is BACK.

Separated At Birth: Geordie Shore

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One Of The (Many) Reasons Why I Love The Bad Girls Club

One of the many reasons why I love The Bad Girls Club is because the bitches on the show bring the drama into real life. For anybody doubting that the televised drama is real, check out this recent Twitter battle between Bad Girls Club: Miami alumni Morgan Osman and Lea Beaulieu:

20 Things I Learned From Watching Law & Order: SVU

1) Rape is bad.

2) Pedophiles are bad.

3) I don’t give a shit about Det. Stabler’s infinite number of kids and their stupid drama.

4) Det. Stabler’s wife is less attractive than Det. Stabler.

5) Det. Benson does this wide-eyed, crooked grimace thing when she’s trying to act horrified.

6) ADA Cabot was better than ADA Novak who was better than ADA Paxton who was better than ADA whoever-the-fuck.

7) For every good episode, there are at least 10 bad episodes.

8) There was a Michael Jackson ripoff episode. Ew.

9) During the opening of each episode, the “We’ll fool the audience” / “This isn’t the person who’s gonna be raped” routine gets old after the millionth time.

10) Det. Munch is Jewish. We get it.

11) Det. Tutuola is played by Ice-T. His wife, Coco, was a guest star in one episode. Ice-T plus Coco equals something they sell at Starbucks for $1.50.

12) Why am I still watching this fucking show? I need to find a hobby and re-think my life.

13) Dale Stuckey. This fucking guy. Don’t even get me started on this fucking guy! This “character” was perhaps the worst in the history of the Law & Order franchise. From the moment Dale Stuckey made his first appearance, it became impossible to suspend disbelief that the SVU squad would hire an obnoxious 17-year-old-looking fucktard to process forensics for major crimes. Did this dude just graduate from high school? Did he only get the job because he let Capt. Cragen touch his junk after school? Unknown. But what I do know is that the writer or writers who came up with this character should be fired immediately.

Dale Stuckey’s overall character was so poorly constructed and his overall function was so poorly concealed it makes me furious. They forced the audience to hate him by making him extremely annoying, had him make mistakes that thwarted investigations, and even gave him a fucking catchphrase “Bing, bang, bong” (that was almost too fucking retarded for me to type) to make the audience want to reach through the screen and bash his fucking head in. Then suddenly in a “we’ll shock the audience” cliché finale (see #18 below), they flipped a switch and turned him “bad” for a twist ending. Now we were all rooting for him to die, not only because he was “bad”, but because the writers shamelessly force-fed us hatred for him. Dale Stuckey’s entire “story arc”, if you can even call it that, was over-the-top and pathetically unbelievable. The worst thing was that they killed off an interesting minor character, CSU O’Halloran, who in his several brief appearances accomplished a stronger mental impression than Dale Stuckey ever did in his entire story arc. Epic writing failure. Anyway, rant over. On with the countdown…

14) My aunt calls it “SUV” instead of “SVU”.

15) People get bufu’d in jail.

16) Det. Benson gets more stylish each season. Do real cops have perfect hair and wear designer sunglasses all the time? Didn’t think so.

17) Censorship fucking sucks. It leads to lame-ass swear substitutes like “You piece of trash”, “Screw you!” and “Slime-ball”. I wish this show was on HBO!

18) The “let’s kill off a character people vaguely know but don’t care too much about so we can kill them” routine gets old after the millionth time. Bring back CSU O’Halloran! Sister Peg can stay dead. Spoiler alert.

19) Every time I see B. D. Wong, I quote Twiki from Buck Rogers (“bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi”).

20) “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offences are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.” Typed that from fucking memory!

*DUN DUNN!!!*

Jersey Shore Rant #1

I fucking hate Jersey Shore! Yes, I watch it (I know I’m a hypocrite)…but let me explain why I continue to sit through each episode, however begrudgingly and painful it may be.

The best thing about Jersey Shore is that it started off so well! To me, it was a televised trainwreck that highlighted the hypocrisy and douchebaggery that self-proclaimed “guidos” (aka “Italian-Americans”, aka “dirty guineas”) exhibited on a daily basis. It gave us a hysterical glimpse into the depraved world that spoiled, ignorant, conceited, hyper-sexed, cloned-ass, Ed Hardy-wearing shitbags fester in each summer in Seaside Heights, NJ. Watching these people made me lose faith in the human race…and I loved every second of it!

However!!! The biggest mistake in the history of television was not recasting Jersey Shore after the first season! Quote me on that, bitches. This would be like bringing back the same cast of The Bad Girls Club every season! Epic failure. Seriously, how refreshing would it be to see a new crop of gui-tards enter the shore house? By not re-casting, they made the cast “famous” to the point that they seldom interact with the “regular” people at clubs anymore. Seriously, has any single moment from Season 2 or 3 even come close to topping Season 1’s “Snooki punch”? Didn’t think so. And God damn, they’re making a Season 5?! I wish there was a petition I could circulate to make them re-cast the show. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to see these morons slip into the obscurity that reality stars rightfully fall into once their show is long over. Cunt.

Anyway, rant over. Enjoy my funny picture while you’re circulating the aforementioned petition.

From The A-List To The P-List

The latest reality show whore to transition from the Z-list of reality television to the P-list (aka low-grade online porn) is Reichen Lehmkuhl (thank you Google search for the correct spelling), the “star” of Logo’s The A-List: New York. Click the pic for the uncensored shit:

Ok, seriously, you’re dating a super-hot, super-stupid male model and you’re jerking off for fat creepy men on Cam4.com? This is almost as big an epic fail as this mess:

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On Watch TV With Steve, I’ll be posting reviews, quotes, stories, memes, angry rants, and whatever else in regards to my favorite regularly-watched shows. Bookmark Watch TV With Steve, go watch some porn, then check back for the latest gossip and bullshit the television world has to offer.